Zimbabwe was more than I could have studied, been told about, or imagined. More emotional. More raw. More surreal. More shocking. More spiritual. Going there managed to tear me down, yet build me up. I felt ashamed of my selfishness, yet proud of my determination. Hesitant to learn more of their everyday reality, yet drawn to each individual story.
I have failed at any attempt I've made to describe my time there thus far - resulting in confusion and a lot of self-examination. Part comedy, part obsurdity - I envisioned myself somewhat as a mission superhero before leaving the states. Flying to a foreign country with a heart determined to seek and save, bringing material possessions that have little to no importance in my life as the ultimate sacrifice for someone with less, "surviving" on mere bread, rice, and chicken - all to make my Father smile down and say"Well done, my good and faithful servant".
But the closest I got to being a superhero was wrapping my towel around my neck as a cape.
They don't need a superhero. They need to see the love God has for them -through us. And when I whisked in with my charming smile and bag of tricks - I wonder where I left the simple sincerity of a heart longing to touch a single soul for Jesus. Somehow it became a matter of impressing them with my willingness to share a bag of candy from the dollar tree, rather than impressing ON them the ultimate gift and sacrifice that's been given for us. If there had been a video camera and some sad music in the background, my interactions would have made a perfect commercial for sponsoring an orphan on TV. It was so easy to get caught up in the moment of 50 kids all wanting to hold your hand at the same time. Such a boost to the ego!
Needless to say, I'm struggling with feelings of failure. Failing those who gave financially to send us there. Those who prayed for our effectiveness during those 14 days. And failing God. Most of all - God. I pray the door he opened for us resulted in good beyond my line of vision. That the failure I feel results in a renewed appreciation for the time I have with others.
My new reality is that...perhaps...the person whose soul needing saving the most during those 2 weeks - was mine.
I wasn't prepared for that possibility. Realizing my lack of superpowers and level of spiritual immaturity was an unwelcome surprise. But I'm finally ready to tell you about God's power beyond my blind arrogance. He did some pretty amazing things while I was over there. Stay tuned. Snapshots of our Lord's awesomeness to come.
I have failed at any attempt I've made to describe my time there thus far - resulting in confusion and a lot of self-examination. Part comedy, part obsurdity - I envisioned myself somewhat as a mission superhero before leaving the states. Flying to a foreign country with a heart determined to seek and save, bringing material possessions that have little to no importance in my life as the ultimate sacrifice for someone with less, "surviving" on mere bread, rice, and chicken - all to make my Father smile down and say"Well done, my good and faithful servant".
But the closest I got to being a superhero was wrapping my towel around my neck as a cape.
They don't need a superhero. They need to see the love God has for them -through us. And when I whisked in with my charming smile and bag of tricks - I wonder where I left the simple sincerity of a heart longing to touch a single soul for Jesus. Somehow it became a matter of impressing them with my willingness to share a bag of candy from the dollar tree, rather than impressing ON them the ultimate gift and sacrifice that's been given for us. If there had been a video camera and some sad music in the background, my interactions would have made a perfect commercial for sponsoring an orphan on TV. It was so easy to get caught up in the moment of 50 kids all wanting to hold your hand at the same time. Such a boost to the ego!
Needless to say, I'm struggling with feelings of failure. Failing those who gave financially to send us there. Those who prayed for our effectiveness during those 14 days. And failing God. Most of all - God. I pray the door he opened for us resulted in good beyond my line of vision. That the failure I feel results in a renewed appreciation for the time I have with others.
My new reality is that...perhaps...the person whose soul needing saving the most during those 2 weeks - was mine.
I wasn't prepared for that possibility. Realizing my lack of superpowers and level of spiritual immaturity was an unwelcome surprise. But I'm finally ready to tell you about God's power beyond my blind arrogance. He did some pretty amazing things while I was over there. Stay tuned. Snapshots of our Lord's awesomeness to come.
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